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HORROR HUMOR

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From 1980s Horror Movies

By: David Speakman

With the fast approaching Halloween season here are some helpful hints:

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house -- move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other place of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

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You have entered a horror based web page. If you are disturbed by images, art, stories that may contain graphic violence, sex, nudity or anything horror related, we recommend that you leave now! These pages contain items that relate to supernatural forces, vampires, monsters, death, destruction, undead, bizarre sex, witchcraft, Satanism and pretty much anything of a disturbing or horrific nature. Some of the photos and artwork may contain nudity. If you are under 18 or if any of the above statements disturb you, then Screams of Terror is not for you. (Why are you even in a horror page if this stuff bothers you?) Screams of Terror does not believe in, nor condone censorship, if an author, photographer or artist submits their works to us and we feel that it is pertinent to the Horror Genre, it will get posted! We do not hold to any of the "rules" that other e-zines hold authors and artists to. We believe that everyone has the right to have their works seen by the general public and that the right of who gets read is not up to a select few in an office somewhere deciding what is best for us to see. All works posted in these pages belong to the original copyright holders and you do not have permission to repost them anywhere without the express written permission of the authors, artists and photographers. If you have a complaint about any works within these pages, send it to the creator of that work or click on the complaint department link and post it there for all to see and comment on. Don't send it to me, and if you do, I will simply cut and paste it to the complaint forum myself, I will not respond to your e-mails about how you were disgusted or disturbed by what you saw or read here, you have the ability to close the page, you don't need me to do that for you. I don't want to hear complaints about how your children can access this page either! You are responsible for your children’s actions, monitor their web usage, purchase some child protection software, etc... This page has enough keywords so if you choose to block "Horror" from your computer; this site will not come up. Take some responsibility for your children’s actions, don't complain to me because your child entered this page and had nightmares from what they read, it's horror, it is intended to give you nightmares and disturb you. If you turn off your light at night and run to your bed because you are afraid of what’s in the closet, then this page did its job!